he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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