don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just gift wrapped bread.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
