I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
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I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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