his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We need to rekindle our bromance
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
