Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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