i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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