I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
