I wannas sexs uuuuu
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
