wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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