just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she told me i tasted like america
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
