I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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