Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dicks are not precious.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
