I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
