just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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