someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
