my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
