True but thats because hes a fetus.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
