so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
