ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
