Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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