I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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