im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
