so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
