soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
