I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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