my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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