The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
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Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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