My liver just broke up with me...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
