Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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