i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
