Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
