Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
