This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
