Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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