Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
