Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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