I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
