he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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