my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
