I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize