Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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