Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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