Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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