Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
