Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
