I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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