stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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