p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
