I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
