Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
FUCK WHALES
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
