You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
