I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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