wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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