for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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