burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
