I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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