I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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