my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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