so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
