He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
