Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish you could order shots online.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
