Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
