im drinking this country out of the recession.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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