Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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