Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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