Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
