It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
