Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
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