Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
