so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
